My wife and I couldn’t be more different when it comes to our skill sets. When we met, I was just getting my digital marketing agency off the ground and diving deep into newer technologies like the iPhone. She was finishing up her studies in childhood development. I had been self-employed for nine years when we married; she was used to consistent pay.
While she hasn’t always understood what I do and how I do it, what she has provided me with is trust. When I suggest that I want to pivot in a certain area of my work, she knows that I have thought through it well and wouldn’t lead our family off of a cliff. I have lost count of the number of times she has listened to me explain my idea and then said, “I trust you.”
Younger me used to take that as nothing more than permission to do what I wanted to do. Now I understand that she did in fact trust me, and that comes with so much more than a simple yes would carry.
I have been able to maintain her trust because I have not carelessly taken our finances in the wrong direction. Perhaps at times I have been too risk-averse, but we also haven’t ended up in a van down by the river either.
Knowing that she trusts me with my work gives me the permission to dream without the fear of knowing how it will turn out. Having to know how it will turn out is what keeps most from trying anything at all.
I remember one couple we knew where the husband crashed his mountain bike pretty hard. His wife was in tears thinking about what would happen if her husband had been unable to work for a few months while he recovered. I knew that he had dreams and aspirations, but he couldn’t ever go after any of them because his wife was too afraid of a temporary setback.
I have lots of ideas, perhaps too many. I take the ideas I feel have potential to my wife, and that accomplishes a few things:
- I have to explain it out loud. Sometimes an idea sounds really good in our head until we have to describe it to someone.
- Invites her into my world and allows her to feel the excitement I have for my goals and dreams.
- Gives her permission to provide feedback and ask questions.
- Allows her to understand the impact, if any, this will have on our family.
She still may not understand the technical aspects of my work, but she knows my work and that my priority is our family first. She also knows that there are dreams I have that won’t go away that I can’t chase right now because my family is more important.
One example of sharing something with my wife that was hard was when I was day trading stock market options for a few months in the morning before starting my work. I traded my account from $10,000 to $250,000 over the course of a month. I then made some bad decisions thinking I had the market figured out and ran the account all the way back down to $12,000 before deciding I needed to walk away.
It was hard telling my wife, especially when I was so upset with myself for what I had done. Honestly, I don’t think she was very surprised, but she was also very understanding and wasn’t mad at me. I learned a lot from that experience, as I have from other ups and downs I have encountered. Sharing the wins and the losses builds trust between her and me.
You can’t willpower your way into controlling your time if your spouse doesn’t trust your priorities. The foundation has to be partnership, transparency, and a track record of choosing family first.
How are you building trust with your spouse around your goals and decisions?