Something that has been on my mind is the overwhelming feeling of aloneness that is possible in the hyperconnected time we live in. We have never had so many methods for connecting with others. From the early days of email to modern day social media, we can connect with anyone, anywhere, and at any time we want. However, we seem to feel more alone than ever before.
It’s led to this mindset that some influencers have been pushing: embracing this fact by recognizing that “nobody is coming.”
The idea that “nobody is coming” so I have to do it myself is an interesting one. While there are several situations I can think of where I had wished someone had shown up for me, I have since thought about why I should expect that of anyone in the first place. Who’s job is it to show up for me? As a child it was my parents, but who after that? If someone was to show up for me, what should that look like?
I believe in God and that he sent Jesus to save me from my sins, but in the tough moments where I’m struggling to pull things together, I often fail to find comfort in that truth. My mind seeks to find excuses by looking outward to find the person who’s responsible for why I’m feeling the way I do. When it can’t find a target, it looks inward and finds nothing there as well.
Loneliness is an epidemic, to say the least. The fact that we share about our lives online and hear crickets after hitting submit probably makes it worse. At least the unspoken is unknown. We put ourselves out there hoping to connect with someone only to miss the mark. Perhaps we are aiming in the wrong direction.
I believe we were designed for community. That is why the concept of social media seems so appealing. We can easily find a community of people who have categorized themselves just as we would categorize ourselves, but even in those online communities, we still feel disconnected and unseen.
Community doesn’t mean what it used to mean either. Our community used to be the people within a reasonable radius to our homes. Not anymore. We don’t know our “actual” neighbors. Our relationships are scattered and are likely situational rather than proximity-based.
Our loneliness comes from a deep desire to be known by others, but we are not known because we are too lazy to do the work to know others.
Doing the work to know others means desiring to know about the details of the lives of others and intentionally spending time with them. These days we are too busy to sit down and get to know people. If we do spend time with people, it’s usually around an activity where there is something else to talk about other than our own lives. We commiserate around commonalities such as working too much or taxes. It’s called small talk for a reason.
Despite our interconnectedness online, we are not closer. Friends who moved away did not remain just as close because I can see their Instagram posts. It’s harder to maintain relationships from a distance. Proximity is required. I learned just how important proximity was when I moved 1,000 miles away. Friendships that weren’t that deep disappeared, and it’s been a struggle to maintain those that I didn’t want to lose.
These days most areas of our lives do not cross over, so it’s challenging to get to know anyone in microdoses. Situational relationships are around a specific topic such as kids’ sports. There are opportunities to chat but not at a duration or frequency that leads to depth, unless you bring intentional proximity into it.
In reading the book “Made For People,” I realized that I should be making decisions based around the people I want to be around, not the activities. This means choosing quality of people over quality of the activity. I am sure the best of both worlds exists somewhere, but it’s certainly not common.
Choosing community means saying no to some things so you can say yes to real connection. I don’t want my kids to grow up having only shallow relationships because we were involved in so many things that they never had a chance to get to know anyone. You never get a sense of belonging, and it’s important to have that feeling, especially as a young person.
I am not sure there is a way to use technology as it is to build real relationships. As AI becomes more ingrained in our lives, I believe that IRL (in real life) connection is going to birth business opportunities around helping people connect. Sounds silly, I know.
In an attempt to make the most out of our experience, we have forgotten that some things can’t be expedited or optimized. Those who are feeling the relational tug need to double down on getting to know others. When you get to know the right people, they will reciprocate and you will not only know them but they will know you. It’s beautiful. It’s what we were designed for. It’s what we need to get back to.
What relationships in your life need more intentional proximity and deeper investment?