I’ve decided to stop controlling my kids’ choices and instead be the behavior I want them to see. This is not easy. It’s much easier to fire off observations and corrections in the moment when they’re not behaving as I would like them to. It may take me the rest of my life to completely stop that behavior, but I am actively trying.
I remember being told “do as I say, not as I do” as a kid, and that didn’t work out well for me. The behavior we want to have must be modeled for us; otherwise, we will have to learn through painful personal experience.
The frustrating thing is that our kids’ behavior is often inconvenient for us as parents, so we get upset and spout declarations such as “you never do what you’re told.” That isn’t fair; they obviously do as they are told at times. Words are powerful, and I am trying to do my best to speak truth into their lives rather than throw declarations about their character at them from a place of frustration.
Each of my kids are different. My oldest doesn’t respond well to me calling out his behavior. He immediately gets defensive and will not acknowledge any of it, regardless of how obvious it is. His brother, on the other hand, might fight for a moment but is quick to become self-aware of his behavior.
They’re kids. They are undeveloped people not yet capable of understanding and processing things that many of us adults struggle to comprehend. I feel like we put unrealistic expectations on our kids, and it’s easy to do that because we have outsourced so much of their upbringing to others.
The majority of their day they are in classrooms, sports, or other activities, not in the home. The amount of time they have to observe what I am doing is much less than that of kids a few generations ago. While it’s not realistic to return to the life of a homesteader, it sure would be easier if work, home, and learning all took place on the same property.
With that said, I still do offer guidance. I just got back from a week in Alaska with my second oldest. When my kids turn 13, I take them on a trip just with me to have extended one-on-one time. There are plenty of activities but a lot of time together. We talk about things like how to get the most out of your teenage years, the changing body, family dynamics, friends, and whatever else comes up. It’s a great time to talk without the distractions that come from home.
There is a time for words, but I have found it’s the behaviors that I am modeling that shine through. When they make decisions that need to be corrected, we discuss it and make a plan to prevent that behavior moving forward.
It is all made much easier because my kids know that they are at the top of my priority list, not that my world revolves around them, but that I would make time for them among all of the other important things out there.
I also recognize that sometimes you have to let them trip and fall so that they can learn from personal experience. We can’t prevent all pain. I am afraid that in our attempts to prevent our children from pain, we are instead creating a cage of fear around them, keeping them from being able to protect or defend themselves.
What behaviors are you trying to control in your kids that you might need to model instead?