I can remember being told as a child that if I didn’t change, I would amount to nothing when I grew up. It took me a long time to realize that was helpful advice, but it was packaged poorly. This close family member recognized behavior that typically doesn’t lead to good outcomes, but my approximately ten-year-old self didn’t know how to process that any other way than recognizing it as truth being spoken.
More often than not, I got the same type of advice from teachers and other family members. This is where my feelings of being unqualified and inadequate come from.
Despite awareness, once the old narrative resurfaces, it can quickly derail and demotivate me, and I struggle to regain my footing. This is one of several battles I continue to fight, and I have not yet seen complete healing. These feelings certainly begin in isolation and grow in the quiet time when I am not receiving feedback or discussing these topics with others.
I have been told that this is a good sign and that I should be worried if I didn’t feel some imposter syndrome from time to time. Perhaps that is true to some degree.
Despite these feelings, I know that I am not the only one having them. How many others started to share but shut themselves down or perhaps didn’t even start at all? We are our own worst critic at times and can heap unfair declarations on ourselves without looking for proof or logic.
This is certainly something I do not want to pass on to my kids. There are enough voices out there that will silence them for any given reason. I want them to have the confidence to speak about the things they care about. I don’t want to inflict limiting factors on my kids, though I know I have and will likely continue to do this unintentionally. I tell them that I will never give up on them because I want to make sure they never give up on themselves.
Although my list of disqualifications is likely just as long as my list of qualifications, I am choosing to share it because we live in a world where most people are too scared to. If our children don’t see us taking a stand for something, then they won’t know what to stand for.
When these feelings resurface, I’ve learned a few things that help:
- I am getting better at sharing these things with my wife. Nobody wants to admit weakness, but I know that my vulnerability has also led to her own reflection.
- Writing about these things reinforces them in my own mind and helps me think through these concepts that I want engrained into my life and my parenting.
- Journaling about these things helps me reflect on what was going through my mind and what the result was. Occasionally, I read older entries, which leads to a deeper sense of thankfulness. I also read a lot, and much of the awareness I have gained has come through insights from time spent in books.
It is discouraging at times to become aware of issues at 45 years old that I’ve been carrying since childhood, but more so, I am thankful because of the awareness and the ability to change.
What voice is trying to silence you, and what would happen if you chose to speak anyway?