There are two ways I used to set myself up for failure: trying to cram too much into my week and setting unrealistic expectations for my time.
As much as I would love to have nothing but productively perfect days like the influencers with no kids post about, it’s not realistic for the rest of us. Unless you build your system and expectations grounded in the reality you’ve created for yourself, there will be upset and conflict.
I did this to myself for the first 15 years of my marriage. I assumed what I needed was better time management. I tried things like calendar blocking and setting SMART goals, never considering that it wasn’t a better time management method I needed; it was choosing how I was going to react when things didn’t go according to plan.
You see, I am a productive person. You probably are too. But when we get derailed, we often take quite a while to get back to where we were. It was easy to set things aside when something big came up, like the birth of a child, but it’s much harder when someone can’t get their laptop to work and they have homework due.
Up until recently, I considered the interruption of my schedule to be of greater concern than the interruption of my wife’s schedule. If I had to respond to something simple like picking up a sick kid from school, I seethed inside, comparing my huge plans for the day now derailed because my wife was on the other side of town helping a friend with something. That was unfair of me. I created that imbalance in my own mind and allowed it to derail my day.
The reality is, I’m interrupted by family-related things far less often than my wife is. She’s constantly responding to these needs throughout her day. Yet I was treating my occasional interruptions as major derailments while she handled hers with grace.
Seeing my family’s needs as interruptions is part of the problem. I’m raising a family. That doesn’t start and stop at my convenience.
Instead, I now look at what is being asked of me and how I can handle it. If I’m meeting with a client, perhaps I can’t, but most of the time I can step away from work for 15-30 minutes easily. If I choose to do that before allowing frustration or resentfulness to enter my mind, I come back from the request knowing I just fulfilled a need and end up back in a flow state of work without skipping a beat.
Having this mindset takes work. I don’t see every need as an opportunity to serve my family yet; I’m working on that. But I am thankful that my family respects my need for time to accomplish work, and I don’t want them to feel like they’re bothering me when they do need something.
Boundaries are important, but it’s more important that my kids know I’m there for them any time they need me. You never know when the next ask for my attention will be for something very important. I don’t want to miss that because they were afraid to interrupt me.
What would change in your week if you stopped seeing family needs as interruptions and started seeing them as part of what you’re actually working for?