When I was a kid, I just went over to a friend’s house to play. I’d call my mom when I got there and occasionally she would want to know if another adult was there. That was it.
Today, many kids’ interactions outside of school are curated by their mothers. I remember my son asking if he could have a play date with a certain friend when he was in first or second grade. That sounded so weird to me. I just said I was going to go over to someone’s house and did it. Moms were never involved except to verify we were where we said we were going to be.
Now it’s the mom’s responsibility to curate their child’s social calendar. My kids’ playdates also included the moms getting together, which meant that if the moms didn’t have anything in common, it was less likely that the kids would get to hang out.
I started to push back against this as I noticed my kids struggling to make getting together with a friend happen for themselves. I noticed just how big of a problem it had become when I became aware of how much anxiety my son had over simply hanging out with a friend.
I knew my kids needed encouragement to cultivate their own friendships, and I wanted to be intentional about helping them learn those skills. Other kids were experiencing the same issues, so when it came to them wanting to hang out outside of school, it took very little for the plans not to happen.
They also were not getting enough time with other kids to build friendships. It’s easy if a couple of kids are going to play basketball together, but when it’s just a one-on-one hangout, that can get awkward real quick if you don’t know how to talk to someone outside of curated situations.
Online gaming has made it hard for them as well. It’s easy to hang out virtually and talk about the gameplay. It’s harder when you’re face-to-face and can’t decide on anything.
It’s summer, so my kids are out of school. Without the scheduled proximity of school, they struggle to make getting together with friends happen. It’s certainly more challenging, as all of the kids I hung out with when I was young lived within a mile radius of my school. Everybody is more spread out these days.
Suggesting that they see if a friend can hang out when boredom has already set in doesn’t work well, so I try to get them thinking ahead so that they can plan ahead. This makes it easier on us parents if rides are required. It also helps them from having to find the motivation to do something uncomfortable, like seeing if a friend can play not knowing if they will be available or not.
I also have to remind them that their friend not being available to play is not the same as a friend not wanting to play. They tend to accept busyness as defeat and not want to try again. I remind them that if they enjoy this friend enough, then they will keep trying until something lines up.
When they are around a friend, I suggest they make plans to hang out. I throw out a couple of upcoming time slots and let them take it from there. At first they had no idea what to do with that information, but it’s getting easier. They still struggle when bored at home to text a friend to hang out. It’s much easier to jump on a video game and hang out virtually. I am known to suggest they hang out in real life, saying it loud enough for their gaming microphone to pick it up.
My kids see me as a guy with several friends who also seems to be able to talk to anyone. I was not born with that. Friendships have always been hard for me. I am just now learning in my mid-40s how to be a good friend. I struggle with social anxiety and am bent towards introversion, so my energy and emotional tank has to be full, or I prefer a quiet corner alone with a book.
I myself am trying to build deeper friendships and truly get to know people. I share some of this with my kids and how important it is to have a few deep friendships. Though there are plenty of similarities, my closest friends are very different from me.
My plan is persistence. I keep mentioning they spend time with good friends, and I also report on having spent time with my good friends as well. I want them to have the kind of friends I’m only learning how to have now. It’s easier to start these friendships when you’re younger.
It’s clear to me that we are relationally designed, yet we continue to progress as a society towards fewer opportunities for real and deep relationships. It’s no wonder we are lonelier than ever despite our connectedness.
What are you doing to help your kids develop real friendship skills in a curated world?