There is a common theme in my life that my wife and kids noticed before I did. More often than not, when talking with an older gentleman, before I knew it, I was getting his life story. I’ve even had several say, “I have no idea why I’m telling you this stuff.” It just happened and continues to happen.
Just last week I had just finished up a meeting in a coffee shop. It was really busy and I was now at a table alone, so I offered the table to a guy in his 70s who was looking for a place to sit. I was planning to leave, but he suggested we could share the table. After introducing ourselves, I asked him how his day was going, and almost an hour later I had to excuse myself so I wouldn’t miss my next appointment.
During that hour I learned about everything from current medical conditions to some deep regrets he had been thinking about lately.
If this type of situation had only happened to me once, I would understand, but it happens at least monthly. Thinking about the possibilities of why this is, I have come to a few conclusions:
1. Eye contact and a firm handshake: It’s not just something the older generations appreciate. I have found that good eye contact helps people feel comfortable with you. If someone is talking to you and your eyes are dodging all over the place, you are preoccupied and that can make the other person self-conscious. Perhaps eye contact and a firm handshake simply lets someone know that we are there and that we see them.
2. Medium talk questions: I try my best to go beyond the typical “can you believe this weather” small talk. If the conversation does start off that way, I try to make it a bit more interesting by asking a question that would hopefully lead to a unique response. I want to hear something interesting, so I try to ask questions that might lead to an interesting response. I read the room. If the person seems disinterested and in a hurry, I don’t try to hold them up, but the next time I come in contact with them I will follow up again.
3. Frequency: I meet in person on a regular basis with those who I want to get to know better. Even if someone is comfortable talking to you, it takes frequency for that to reach a level of depth. It requires asking questions and listening. Beyond that, it requires remembering and following up.
You are probably wondering what I get out of these conversations? Honestly, I am simply trying to understand people the way I would like to be understood.
I know that I am not always great at this. I do a much better job listening to people I haven’t met before than people I know well. I also struggle with needing to fix all problems I feel I have a solution for. I know that this has stressed some of my closest friendships, perhaps even damaged a few of them.
Learning to become a better listener has helped me with my closer friendships. It has taught me to be more patient and to resist the desire to fix things until asked if I have an opinion. I certainly used to hand out my opinion a lot and then get frustrated when the advice nobody asked for was ignored.
It became easy to resist the urge to fix everything when I realized that they didn’t want my solutions. If they had, they would have asked for it. I may have developed the perfect solution to their problem as they described it to me, but by providing that without being asked, I am telling them that I know more than they do and that the solution was so easy to come up with that I figured it out while they were talking. Who wants that?
When someone shares deeply with me, I am honored to be trusted with that information. I responded to the man who said he had no idea why he was sharing with me simply by saying, “Thank you, I am glad you did.” No need to make it about me or anything else; just appreciation.
I think people are scared to open up these days because something from their past was not safe, whether that be all the way back in childhood or as a result of life choices.
Not every conversation is pleasant and beneficial for either party. Over the years I have gotten better at identifying red flags, which helps me avoid getting stuck in situations I need to avoid. A huge red flag is finger pointing and not taking responsibility for anything. If the conversation is about everything everybody else is doing to them and there is no ownership, then I likely won’t engage much deeper.
I am really good at setting time expectations up front. Most people will ask if you are busy; I always give a specific time frame. If I want to keep the conversation going, I can always extend it. If I need to close it for any reason, the expectation was already set.
I am genuinely interested in people. I like to tell stories and I want to listen to them. There are no better stories than those from personal experience. I like to think that people pick up on this and that it’s more than just that I look like someone they can trust.
Most of our interactions have become so transactional that we feel alone. I don’t want to add to that. We all want to be seen and known because I believe we were created that way.
What would change in your relationships if people felt truly safe opening up to you?