It’s easy to allow too many “good” things into our lives. There are so many options for extracurricular activities. There also seems to be a pressure put on parents to make sure their kids are getting every opportunity possible. My wife and I certainly feel this pressure.
While we have avoided getting involved in travel sports, we have found ourselves pretty busy at times. This led to the breakdown of key family moments such as dinner time or winding down the evening together, something that used to come easy.
As kids got more involved in activities, we found dinner time becoming more grab-and-go than an opportunity to spend time together. We also were watching movies and playing games less together. As my kids aged and interests changed, they became less tolerant of things they weren’t directly interested in.
None of us wake up and decide to stop eating dinner or play board games together; it starts slowly and becomes that way over time. We make adjustments for a sports season but fail to get back to sitting down together as a family for dinner. The older kids don’t want to play the younger kid’s game, so they find something else to do and we miss out on fun family moments together.
As parents, we want our kids to be happy, but we often allow their happiness, or perhaps their selfishness, to get in the way of being a family. Being a family means putting aside our preferences at times so we can spend time together. Do I like the Unicorn Matching Game? No, but I love my daughter. Do I want to play a two-hour game of Risk? No, but I love my son, and he is old enough now to know when I am intentionally throwing the game to get it over with faster.
I was feeling this disconnection in my family and what it was doing to us. We were not as tolerant of each other as we used to be. Everybody was more selfish and not willing to accept what the other wanted. We had let busyness get the best of us, and downstream from that was disconnection and selfishness.
Searching for something to put words to what I was feeling as a husband and father, I came across the book “Habits of the Household.” The author put into words what I was experiencing, and all of a sudden, I didn’t feel crazy anymore.
I explained to my wife why I wanted to return to a sit-down family dinner where dinner was on the table. There was some initial pushback because it’s more work to serve dinner at the table. Thankfully, she agreed, and in under a week, we were already seeing the benefits of that time together. My family now loves dinner time together and when we get busy, we miss that time together. When summer is getting closer, there is an excitement for Friday evenings at the lake together.
We also started pizza and a movie night on Fridays. During the summer, we take pizza to the lake. These two changes have made a big difference in our family over the past year.
There is still some complaining depending on the movie choice. My oldest struggles to put aside his own selfish desires to watch something that is interesting and appropriate for his younger sisters. This time is not about anyone’s individual likes or dislikes; it’s about coming together as a family to spend time together.
It’s easy to let things that seem good into our family lives, telling ourselves that it’s only for a season, but we have to be vigilant about protecting time together. There are many things I could do in the evenings that would be fun or engaging for me, but they would also take time away from my family, both at home and outside. The choice to prioritize family time requires ongoing intentionality.
If we don’t protect this time, we will naturally isolate into our own preferences and become less tolerant and accepting of each other, leading to a disconnected family. This is not relational living, and it reinforces selfishness.
What “good” activities might be accidentally disconnecting your family?