Some resolved. Some still messy. All real.
Today I turned 46 years old.
I’ve never been great at celebrating my own birthday. If I’m being honest, I don’t love the attention, and I really don’t love having to make decisions about what to do. I make decisions all day, every day — for my family, for my businesses, for everyone else. On my birthday, I just want someone else to take that on, or the freedom to decide nothing at all.
But this year, I wanted to mark the moment by looking back and asking: what did I actually learn?
Not generic advice. Not things I read in books and thought sounded nice. But real lessons — things that hit me, challenged me, broke me open a little bit.
Some of these crystallized this year. Others are things I’ve known for a while but found deeper meaning in at 45. A few are still unresolved — tensions I’m living in, questions I don’t have answers to yet.
I’m okay with that. The unresolved stuff is often where the real growth is happening.
Here are 46 things I learned at 45.
Mindset and Self-Awareness
1. Later is a lie that costs everything.
I’ll be more present later, when things slow down. I’ll chase that dream later, when the kids are older. But later never comes. There’s always another season, another demand. And while you’re waiting, life is slipping past. Later is a lie. Now is all you have.
2. The question that determines your day: Am I choosing them or resenting them right now?
When my kids interrupt my work or my wife needs something in the middle of a project, I have a choice. Resent the interruption or choose the person. They can tell the difference.
3. Metrics don’t create meaning.
Last year I released two videos that each got over a hundred thousand views. I felt nothing. I made them strategically, for the views. Views and revenue don’t create meaning. Meaning comes from doing work that matters to you.
4. My grit only seems available when there’s external pressure.
I’m most focused when there’s a deadline or a client waiting. When the pressure is off, I drift. That’s not a character flaw — it’s a pattern to understand and work with.
5. The drift: the distance between what gets results and what you actually enjoy doing.
Over time, you learn what performs. You optimize for results instead of meaning. That’s the drift. When the gap gets too wide, even success feels exhausting.
6. Discipline without self-awareness leads to burnout. Productivity without purpose leads to emptiness.
The goal isn’t to do more. It’s to do what matters.
7. Going through the motions isn’t enough.
I can read my Bible every day and never truly engage with God’s word. I can be physically present with my family while mentally somewhere else. Where am I checking boxes instead of truly engaging?
8. Stability removed my urgency.
For years, fear of failure kept me focused. But I’ve built stability now — diversified income, margin, no major debt. The fear is mostly gone. And without it, I’ve struggled to stay motivated. I haven’t figured out what replaces it yet.
9. Distraction is a response problem, not a technology problem.
The phone isn’t the root issue — it’s the easiest escape when I don’t want to face something hard. The real problem is how I respond to small challenges.
Faith and Spiritual Growth
10. I’ve been measuring my closeness to God by how little I’m sinning instead of by how much I trust that I’m loved.
My whole approach to faith has been performance-based. Sin less, feel closer to God. But the real question is whether I trust that I’m loved — not whether I’m performing well enough.
11. Theological correctness doesn’t guarantee godly character.
You can know Scripture well and teach it accurately while your heart is in the wrong place. First Timothy 1:5 says the aim is love from a pure heart, a good conscience, and sincere faith. Sound doctrine without that is still corruption.
12. When something feels off, don’t dismiss it — but don’t just run with it either. Measure it against truth.
Your instincts matter, but they’re not infallible. Treat them as data to be tested, not conclusions to act on immediately.
13. Cheap dopamine hijacks the reward system God designed.
Our brains were made to receive dopamine after hard work. Now we get the same hit without effort. We’re destroying the system God gave us to pursue him and his purposes.
14. Those who learn to control their intake will control their output.
Garbage in, garbage out. What you consume shapes what you create.
15. Spiritual disciplines should be something I get to do, not have to do.
Obligation breeds resentment. I’m trying to reframe it: I get to read Scripture. I get to pray. These aren’t burdens — they’re invitations.
16. I don’t have to solve problems alone.
Finding the right people to help isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom.
Family and Fatherhood
17. The interruptions are the plan when you’re a father.
I’m not a professional who happens to have kids. I’m a father who happens to work. The interruptions aren’t obstacles to my real life — they are my real life.
18. Your kids can tell when you’re choosing them versus tolerating them.
You can’t fake presence. They feel the difference.
19. Leading by example beats lecturing every time.
They watch everything I do. The sermon they remember is the one I live, not the one I preach.
20. Each of my kids requires a different approach.
What works for one doesn’t work for another. One of my kids can hear feedback and adjust quickly. Another needs a completely different approach to receive the same message. Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all.
21. Extended one-on-one time forces past small talk into real connection.
When my kids turn thirteen, I take them on a trip — just them and me. The real magic is having enough uninterrupted time that you run out of small talk and have to go deeper.
22. Physical presence without mental presence isn’t presence at all.
Being home is not the same as being present.
23. Sometimes you have to let them trip and fall so they can learn from personal experience.
If I prevent every failure, they never learn to recover. We can’t prevent all pain, and trying to often does more harm than good.
24. The self-worth issues my son has been experiencing likely trace back to patterns in how I’ve communicated with him.
I can’t undo what’s been done. But awareness is the first step to changing it.
Fitness and Discipline
25. “I’m not built to run” was a story I told myself for twenty years.
I had an old knee injury I used as proof. At forty-two, I started running anyway. Those knees I protected for two decades have never been stronger. The only thing holding me back was the narrative.
26. Running provides the strongest mental benefit of any exercise I do.
Nothing matches what running does for my mind. More bandwidth, better decisions, less susceptibility to distractions.
27. Voluntary discomfort builds capacity for other hard things.
Doing something hard when I don’t have to builds a muscle that shows up everywhere else.
28. Four AM is when nobody needs anything from me.
It’s not about being hardcore. It’s about being strategic with the only time that’s truly mine.
29. Setbacks that would have derailed me for months now last days or hours.
This year I cracked ribs and had the flu for most of November. A few years ago, those setbacks would have sent me spiraling. Now the ruts are shorter. That’s progress.
30. There’s a difference between injury and discomfort. Injuries need rest. Discomfort needs to be challenged.
Learning to tell the difference has changed how I train.
Marriage and Relationships
31. Sharing both the wins and the losses builds trust.
Trust isn’t built on perfect performance. It’s built on transparency — sharing what’s really happening, even when it’s ugly.
32. Track record matters more than any single conversation.
My wife trusts my direction because she’s seen how I operate over years. That trust was built decision by decision, year by year.
33. Acknowledging that we’re poor communicators is the beginning of growth.
You can’t fix what you won’t name.
34. I never had healthy communication modeled for me.
My parents divorced when I was thirteen. My grandparents’ communication style was mostly sarcasm — not exactly a template. I’ve had to learn by failing and course-correcting, and that’s ok.
35. My wife got a job for the first time in fifteen years this year — and watching her thrive has been a gift.
She took a part-time job not because we needed the income, but because she wanted to. Creating conditions where your spouse has options rather than obligations — that’s what building together looks like.
36. Decision fatigue is real. Sometimes the greatest gift is someone else carrying that load.
On my birthday, I don’t want to choose where to eat or what to do. I just want someone else to decide, or the freedom to decide nothing at all.
Friendship and Community
37. Extended time away with others breaks routine and moves acquaintances toward friends.
Weekly rhythms keep us connected but rarely make us close. It’s the extended, unstructured time that changes things.
38. Not everyone who appears to be a friend has friendship as their intention.
Some relationships are transactional from the start. You only discover that when you stop being useful.
39. Just because someone gives you permission doesn’t mean they actually want you to do it.
Permission isn’t the same as support. Someone can say yes while hoping you won’t follow through.
40. Learning to recognize narcissistic patterns protects you from internalizing blame that isn’t yours.
When you’re dealing with someone who fits certain patterns — entitlement, lack of empathy, hypersensitivity, blame-shifting — you can walk away feeling crazy. But it’s not you.
41. Knowing someone’s heart means knowing them — even without every detail.
If you know their values, their character, what drives them — you know them. Maybe I’m more known than I realized.
42. I’ve invested more in friendships this year through time and questions — and it’s starting to pay off.
The relationships aren’t as deep as I want yet. But they’re deeper than they were.
Business and Work
43. Focus and intentionality beat hours on the calendar.
I got my pilot’s license, started running distance races, and learned drums — all while raising four kids and running multiple businesses. You don’t need more time. You need more clarity.
44. Building from wisdom rather than fear — the systems I put in place years ago held when tested.
Last year I lost a client that was forty-five percent of business revenue. But I wasn’t devastated because I’d built diversified income and kept expenses below earnings. I built those systems out of fear. Now I maintain them out of wisdom.
45. The occasional win kept pulling me back to something harmful — and I finally recognized it as a dopamine pattern, not a strategy.
The intermittent reward made it more addictive, not less. Understanding the why helped me finally see it clearly.
Unresolved Tensions
46. I set goals because that’s what you do — not because they flow from a compelling vision. And I’m still figuring out what to do about that.
I’ve tried to develop a clear vision that compels me, but I haven’t landed on something substantial enough. So I set goals because that’s what we do. Then my interests pull me elsewhere while I try to hold up goals I’m not sure I still care about.
My whole motivation system was built on fear of failure. Now that I’ve built stability and the fear isn’t driving me, I haven’t figured out what replaces it.
Learning to be motivated by love and purpose rather than fear and pressure — that’s the work of this next year. I don’t have it figured out. But naming it is the first step.
There it is. Forty-six things I learned at forty-five.
Some are lessons I figured out. Others are tensions I’m still living in. A few are wounds still healing.
If something here resonated, I’d love to hear which one. Not because I have answers you don’t — but because maybe you’re asking some of the same questions.
Here’s to forty-six.