Throughout my wife’s first pregnancy, I remember experiencing a building pressure inside me. At first I couldn’t identify the cause. Perhaps I worried whether or not I had what it takes to be a dad?
While that certainly was part of it, I realized that I was more worried about whether or not I would be able to provide for my new family. This fear was already unfounded, as just a few years earlier I wondered how I would be able to support a wife and we were doing just fine.
A recurring theme with me is to worry about the unknown, ask God for help and direction, end up being just fine, and then rinse and repeat the next time. I have 45 years of experience with God providing, yet I still worry. We all put our hope and trust in something, yet worry, at times, gets the best of us.
There have been some instances in my life where I needed a new client because there wasn’t any revenue coming in. I was doing everything I knew how to do at the time and it wasn’t working. Then out of nowhere came a new client, not through any of the channels I was working. God does provide.
I can also look back on my career and business growth and see that there is no way I could have chosen this path on my own. Looking back on earlier decisions I made in life, I am not convinced I would have ended up here on my own.
I believe in compounding effort. Small, consistent actions accumulate over time to produce significant results.
It’s a struggle to know which decisions are right, especially when it comes to providing for our family. There is the pressure to provide a better life for our kids than we had, and today that looks like things and opportunities. Honestly, I think we swung a bit too far and have sacrificed our own contentment for more square footage and travel sports schedules.
Entering into adulthood, we are primed to desire more. Our first home is a “starter home,” likely not in the school district we want to be in. One example of many that lets us know that our current situation is not ideal and that we should desire more.
There is nothing wrong with desiring more, but I think we can all agree that more is not a destination in itself. You can never reach the end of more.
As I started making “adult” money, like many men, I wanted to get back into some hobbies I used to enjoy. I spent my downtime researching, making lists, and thinking about how much I was going to enjoy it. I bought everything I needed and went out and really enjoyed myself. Then I got busy and the hobby suffered. I would walk past my gear in the garage every day as I left for meetings, appointments, and family stuff. Eventually, I sold it all because it wasn’t going to become a priority any time soon.
I have watched friends purchase toys to enjoy on their weekends only to listen to them complain about not being able to use them. When they finally do have time, it needs work or repair, and by the time they finish that, the weekend is over.
Thankfully, I am a pretty observant person. As much as I would love dirt bikes for each of us or to own a boat we could take out all summer, it’s not practical for my family lifestyle.
If you look online, there are plenty of people who seem to have found the right balance. They are successful and have plenty of money and time to use all of their things. However, there is a disconnect between what’s shared on social media and what I am experiencing, and that produces feelings of unfulfillment in me.
At some point, I realized that if I didn’t have the time to enjoy something, I probably shouldn’t buy it. This starts with reeling in my imagination and measuring it against reality. This can be depressing if you don’t keep the right mindset. When some new desire pops up, I quickly measure that against my current reality in a similar way I measure new ideas using my Personal Impact Filter. Sometimes this new desire is simply a misguided pursuit for happiness amidst a current struggle. It’s good to be aware of that because unawareness leads to a purchase that I will likely soon regret.
Not getting stuck in this trap requires aligning your expectations with your spouse and your children. If we are all on the same page as a family, our expectations will be consistent as well. When everyone has the same expectations, it’s much easier to exist in a place of peace as a provider. However, it’s common to assume everyone is unhappy because their ability to make asks outpaces your ability to fulfill them. Don’t get stuck here. It robs your happiness and, unbeknownst to your family, it’s robbing theirs as well.
Contentment starts with you. If you are unhappy with the size of the home you have, the car you drive, and the vacations you take, so will everyone else in your family. Hopefully our financial situations improve over time and we are able to upgrade a few areas of our lives, but that potential shouldn’t rob us of being content with and enjoying what we currently have.
Many men, myself included, unconsciously equate how well we’re providing with our level of suffering. For most of us, only a few generations ago work was a form of suffering. It’s a relatively new concept that work can be enjoyable. Perhaps we feel this ancestral echo and struggle to enjoy our work and its rewards without making ourselves suffer by taking on too much, constantly thinking about work, and maintaining poor boundaries.
Without a clear goal of our own, we end up chasing things that may actually take us further from our true desire to provide and care for our families. We’re always heading somewhere, and if we don’t have a clearly defined direction, we’ll easily find ourselves off mission chasing other people’s definitions of success.
What would change if you measured your success as a provider by your family’s peace rather than your bank account?